Reuniting with my mother after a yr of isolating (and after we had been each vaccinated) was numerous issues. It was pure pleasure to have the ability to hug her once more, to have the ability to prepare dinner her a meal in my residence and sit collectively to eat it. It introduced tears to my eyes to watch her play with my sons, to cuddle up with them on the sofa as they rattled on about no matter online game they had been obsessive about.
Just with the ability to do regular issues with my mother after a yr of solely speaking to her on the telephone, or seeing her exterior, six ft aside, with a mask … all of it felt like a miracle.
I anticipated the enjoyment, the gratitude, the relief of lastly attending to see her, understanding that we’d principally survived this catastrophe of a yr. I anticipated that and savored all of the feelings it introduced. But what I didn’t count on is that being reunited with my mother meant being inundated with weight-reduction plan tradition and internalized fatphobia.
I don’t know that my mother has any extra hang-ups about these items than most individuals her age. She’s in her 70s, and was born in a time when nearly everybody anticipated ladies to both already be skinny or be on a weight-reduction plan to get skinny. Her personal mom attended a number of the first Weight Watchers conferences, and I keep in mind my mother at all times being on some kind of weight-reduction plan or different whereas I used to be rising up. At one level within the ‘80s, she bought Herbalife (an early pioneer of the MLM-type weight-reduction plan scams).
So my mother’s obsession together with her weight and her meals consumption shouldn’t have shocked me. I’ve been round all of it my life! But one thing about being away from all of it for a yr—and admittedly, having rather more severe issues to focus on together with her (like, uhhhh, ensuring she didn’t catch a virus that was killing a whole lot of 1000’s of individuals her age)—simply introduced the entire thing into extra obvious focus.
And I feel it was me, too. This previous yr, I’ve been kinda distracted by the entire “surviving the pandemic factor.” Any ideas I might need had about consuming or my very own weight had been on the backburner. Dealing with my very own disordered eating patterns (I actually don’t know one lady who doesn’t have some historical past with this) is one thing I’ve labored on for years, and I’ve been in a superb place with it. But the distraction of the pandemic certain knocked any unhealthy ideas out of my head. Plus, I’d been extra steeped in physique positivity/intuitive consuming/dismantling weight-reduction plan tradition/the patriarchy, and so forth., this previous yr.
So possibly I used to be simply extra conscious of all of it?
Whatever the case, once I sat down with my mother to feed her that first post-pandemic home-cooked meal, I nearly misplaced my shit on her. More than as soon as, she talked about how scrumptious the meals I’d made was—and in that very same breath, she talked about that she higher not eat an excessive amount of of it. Seriously, this occurred a number of instances.
Then—and that is the place I actually freaking misplaced it—once I took out a small cake that my children had picked out for the event, she took two bites, then pushed it away and stated, “Get this away from me! I’ll get fats!”
Now, I know that she means nicely, and isn’t actively attempting to inflict some form of hurt on my children. But that is by no means what I would like my children uncovered to. This sort of factor doesn’t occur in our home, interval.
First of all, I hate the thought of sure meals being branded “good” or “unhealthy.” Yes, in fact my children know that broccoli is more healthy than cake, and that total they need to eat extra broccoli than cake, however we don’t demonize meals. We need them to really feel comfortable about no matter they’re consuming, and never really feel as if sure meals are evil or off limits. I do know from expertise that that solely makes the meals extra tempting, and creates pointless stress and nervousness round consuming.
I additionally simply hate, hate, hate when folks make disparaging feedback about their our bodies in entrance of my children. That’s simply not one thing my husband and I’d ever do. Nor will we make any types of feedback concerning the look of our kids’ bodies. Again, I do know that is simply my mother making these feedback about her personal physique, however this can be a shut member of the family of my children, and youngsters are likely to internalize what the grownups round them say.
I in all probability ought to have waited until after dinner to say one thing, however I couldn’t preserve it collectively—I used to be so offended. So I principally instructed her level clean that I didn’t need her to speak about “being fats” in entrance of my children. We have an in depth and largely trusting relationship, and though I don’t assume she absolutely understood, she didn’t freak out or something. “Okay, sorry,” she stated, and shortly modified the topic.
But then—you guessed it—it occurred once more, the following time we noticed her. She made feedback about her pandemic weight achieve, how she was on a weight-reduction plan, how she would solely eat a salad once we ordered in meals, how she actually wanted to look at her weight, and so forth., and so forth., and so forth.
I truthfully was shocked about what number of weight-related feedback she made in only one go to! Maybe it’s all these months cooped inside that made her hyper-focus on her weight? Maybe I simply had by no means seen this as a lot earlier than?
Whatever the case, it’s positively changing into an issue, and I feel I’m going to wish to have a dialogue together with her about all of it. I don’t know if you happen to can wash the weight-reduction plan tradition mentality out of a 70-year-old grandma. But I’d wish to attempt to educate her a bit of about how dangerous these sorts of ideas are for her. I would like her to know that she is gorgeous simply the best way she is, and that she ought to be pleased about her normal good well being, particularly after this previous yr.
I imply, isn’t this a superb time to acknowledge what actually issues in life and begin to free oneself from the chains of weight-reduction plan tradition and the patriarchy?
Either approach, there is no such thing as a freaking approach she goes to be allowed to spew that nonsense in entrance of my children. That’s a line within the sand for me. If this previous yr has taught me something, it’s that my children’ psychological well being is every thing. Oh, my tolerance for bullshit is at an all-time low, so there’s that.
I hope that these realizations about my mother’s fatphobia can function a studying alternative for us each. I’d actually love her to take what I inform her to coronary heart, and possibly begin to be taught to like her physique, and kind a more healthy relationship with meals.
But both approach, she’s gonna should shut up about that crap when she’s in my home. That shit simply received’t be tolerated round right here.
